i think the best bet is short stories. create a character and his situation, and use all these thoughts i have about people and emotions to validate their position. that's what i need to do. siphon my resentment and thoughts into believable people; form the foundation of my character on the base of my pessimism. when i think about it, it seems all so clear. every significant event in my life can have the basis for a totally different me; if i'd made a different choice at any forks on my road, i'd be different. for better or for worse, i can't say because i don't know. but definitely not here. so why can't i put it all down and get started on some serious writing? i know why. one major reason is that thoughts flow too fast to my brain, and when i start trying to hold them long enough to write them down, they end up sounding constrained and dead. and another reason - i am too self-obsessed.